New Star Wars Film Gets Trump Treatment

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 In a turn of events that has both politicians and citizens up in arms, leading GOP candidate Donald J. Trump gave a speech Thursday morning revealing major plot points of the new Star Wars film. Without any warning and without prompting, Trump made statements saying, “You never know what I’m going to do. So, well, you have that.” After which he grabbed the hat off of a nearby member of the press and refused to give it back until the journalist said “I’d let my mom get the Trump Hump. You are the best.” Trump then snickered and replied “Yeah, I am. Hahaha”

Trumps statements began:

     Last night I watched this new Star Wars film. What’s it called? The Force        Embarks or something. Let me tell you, it’s a real stinker. I mean, if they had made this one first none of you would know the name Star Wars at all. Real suck job. I looked at Milania during the movie and she looked and me and said ‘Donnie, this sucks harder than five models in the judges offices at Miss America.” AND TRUST ME, she knows! Yeah. Yeah. I mean where was Luke? Where was Darth Vidalia, or whatever his name is, Dasvidaniya? Sounds foreign to me, but hey if that’s what Disney and George Lucas want, hey, ya know? They weren’t there. Main characters, gone. Who does that?

 The crowd assembled at Trump Plaza in New York collectively shifted in their seats as Mr. Trump went on:

So I had a lot of problems with this stupid, dumb film. No Luke, no hot Princess Leia – they made her like this old broad who is supposed to be important. If they wanted to have someone with some POWER and some OOMPFH they should have asked ME! But they don’t make smart decisions in Hollywood. They don’t – these people are drug addicts, they’re crazies, they imagine up this stuff and who knows what’s going on in their heads these Hollywood people? I think they need some smarts like mine. I would have made this movie SO MUCH better. It would have had better actors, hotter actresses, the spaceships would have looked like actual penises instead of pointy space dicks. Chewbacca, who dies by the way, would have been an actual Bigfoot not some English guy in a suit – AN ACTUAL BIGFOOT.

 There were audible groans and gasps upon Trump revealing plot points on what is arguably one of the most anticipated films of the year. But Trump did not stop there and did not slow down.

I didn’t care for the black stormtrooper, or the Mexican one, or the ching chang Chinese one – if you ask me, JJ Abrahamsonlon was just trying to upset us with these stormtroopers. He put an Orthodox Jew in there as a stormtrooper. I mean really? Anyway, Han Solo dies, Luke dies, Lando is holed up in Cloud City with a wife and kids – which I didn’t get. I can only assume that was some pro-Black Lives Matter plot twist where they had a black guy home with his kids, am I right? Why the boos? Why are you booing? You know this is true. Hollywood panders to these people.

Even after a portion of the crowd turned on him, Trump continued…

Someone just yelled “Spoiler Alert” what is that? You’re afraid I’m ruining the movie for you? You are such pussy nerd losers that you can’t have some goofball movie ruined for you? Come on. The first one came out 30 years ago, big whoop. This is why we are losing!! WE’RE LOSING ON TRADE, WE’RE LOSING TO MINORITIES, WE’RE LOSING AT TENNIS, WE’RE LOSING OUR HAIR. China is making all the Star Wars toys! Who let that happen? The only people not losing are Thinkgeek.com and Harrison Ford’s dick – which I don’t doubt has something fresh on it ever night. I mean, yes, I mean – he’s a CLASS ACT. He’s the only part of all of this that has any GOOD in it. And I have seen his penis, just a glance, and it is HUGE and LUXUIRIOUS. 

Trump went on for a full 45 minutes discussing the newer characters and even tearing into Star Trek, The Muppets and Lost in Space without realizing they are not part of the Star War universe or even related to the films at all.

I sat through 2 hours of this rotten junkfest and didn’t see Captain Kirk on screen once. They threw him out too along with Luke and the others. I couldn’t believe it. At one point someone mentioned Yakko. You know that dwarf puppet there. He was the WORST Muppet, by the way. If they wanted to make us LIKE these movies put in a GOOD Muppet like Ms. Porky or the other one…umm…you know, the sexy one. There was nothing SEXY IN THIS FILM. Just a lot of robots and ‘Bleep Bloop’ and ‘Danger Will Robinson!’ I almost stopped eating my chocolate crepes. You people eat crepes in the movies? It’s a great experience, you should. I have this crepes guy that comes to the house, makes em right in my home theater…

Several presidential hopefuls have come out against Trump spoiling the holiday blockbuster. At a press conference in Iowa, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush made a statement condemning Trumps actions. “This is more of the same antics from Trump. This movie is something that people hold dear – we all love the cold, heartlessness of the Empire as it crushes the freethinking rebels. Americans look up to Darth Vader and the Emperor -I know I do, my brother did and my family does. We love the Cheneys. If it wasn’t for the Cheney family I wouldn’t be speaking to you today. What were we talkin’ about?”

At a pancake breakfast in New Hampshire Chris Christie took time to comment on Trump ” I think that’s wrong. Just wrong that he did that. – could you just heap a little more of those on the side there, yeah, there’s room next to the sausage – Yeah, Trump is a real jerkwad. Excuse me, I really am feeling my blood sugar drop. If I don’t get a light 2300-3300 calories down right now I’ll be struggling the next two hours until lunch”

Finally, at a campaign rally in South Carolina, Senator Ted Cruz had the most harsh words for Trump ” Let’s be clear about this. When the Ninja Turtles reboot came out I was disappointed. When Transformers 4 came out, it was a letdown. This Star Wars movie is something I have been waiting for since I was a little Canadian kid asking his Cuban grandmother for money to got to buy bubblegum. If what Trump revealed today is even close to the truth as far as plot I am going to cry until all of the Punch and Judy makeup is washed off my pointy face and chin. I will be devastated and you should be too.”

Trump offered no apology for his words and suggested those that are upset “Get a life and stop being such NERD LOSERS ALL THE TIME!”

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